Stop Bringing Cupcakes to a Fire

Picture this. A team retreat in the great outdoors. There's a roaring campfire, a trust fall lined up, and someone's brought cupcakes (because who doesn't love cupcakes?).

But there's also a dog.

Not a friendly, waggy-tailed dog. This one's growling, pacing, and snapping at anyone who gets too close. It bit someone earlier. It bit someone last year too.

You can pass out cupcakes, start the active listening, and tell everyone to trust the process, but here's the truth. No one is relaxing while the dog's still circling.

They're definitely engaged. With fear and self-preservation.

This is what it's like when organizations try to build trust while ignoring harm. You can't plaster over toxic behavior, systemic inequities, or unspoken tensions with a team lunch and a "We Value You" mug.

Why Trust-Building Fails Without Removing Harm

Here's the equation leaders often get wrong:

"We need trust, so let's jump straight to trust-building exercises."

But trust isn't step one. It's step three.

The real process looks like this:

1. Remove harm. The growling dog? Address it.

2. Create psychological safety. This means showing people they can relax their guard. Surveys and active listening are gaslighting until you do this.

3. Earn trust. Slowly, steadily, through aligned actions.

Without step one, your trust-building efforts are like trying to roast marshmallows in a fire you haven't lit.

Step 1: Remove Harm

Let's start with the uncomfortable question. What's harming your team right now?

Harm might be obvious. A toxic manager. Blatant bias. Unresolved conflicts. Cultural "traditions."

But often, it's subtle:

• A culture of interruptions that silences quieter voices

• Rules that only apply to some people

• That one guy who "just tells it like it is" (Translation: he's mean, and no one's stopping him)

What to Do

Call it out. Run anonymous surveys or host listening sessions and then do something. Or admit you already know, and get to work. The goal is to shine a light on what's been ignored.

Fix it fast. If the harm is a policy, person, or practice, take decisive action. You don't need perfection. Just progress.

Example: In one team, junior staff revealed they felt silenced in meetings. The harm? A leader who constantly interrupted. The fix? A new speaking order and active facilitation. Harm addressed. Tension eased.

Step 2: Create Psychological Safety

Removing harm clears the rubble. Psychological safety is what lets people start rebuilding.

Psychological safety means your team can admit mistakes without fear, take risks without ridicule, and raise tough issues without retaliation.

It's the leadership version of saying, "You can sit by this fire, and I promise it won't burn you."

What to Do

Set boundaries. Establish clear ground rules (for example, no interruptions and no blaming).

Normalize feedback. Use simple check-ins like, "What could I do differently to make this space better for you?" I love, "What can I do in the next 30 days to make your world better?" Don't blindside folks with, "Got any feedback for me?" No. No, they don't.

Model vulnerability. Leaders go first. Share your mistakes or uncertainties.

Pro tip: Think of safety as a team sport. It's not about avoiding conflict. It's about ensuring conflicts are constructive, not destructive.

Step 3: Earn Trust Over Time

Here's the kicker. Trust isn't an activity. It's a side effect.

It emerges when people see you consistently show up in ways that align with your words.

What to Do

Be transparent. Show your work. If you're addressing harm, share what you're doing and why.

Celebrate small wins. Trust grows in moments, like delivering on a promise or honoring someone's boundary.

Follow through. Missed commitments are trust's kryptonite.

The Seeds of Potential in Action

Curiosity, improvisation, and self-leadership aren't just buzzwords. They're tools for creating trust.

Here's how each Seed helps:

Intuition: Spotting the Unseen

Trust starts with noticing what others ignore.

The Seed of Intuition helps you read the room (or forest):

• What's lurking in the shadows?

• What harm is festering under the surface?

• Where's the dog, bear, system of harm?

Improvisation: Navigating the Unknown

Building trust isn't linear. It's messy.

The Seed of Improvisation equips you to test new strategies for creating safety and pivot when something doesn't work.

Intention: Aligning with Purpose

Every trust-building effort needs a compass.

The Seed of Intention asks: Are we solving the right problems, or just making noise? How do we ensure our actions reflect our values?

Independence: Empowering Ownership

The Seed of Independence reminds us that trust isn't just collective. It's personal.

Help individuals trust themselves, and team trust follows.

The Campfire Test

Before your next trust-building push, ask yourself:

• Is there harm we haven't addressed?

• Do people feel safe enough to speak, fail, and lead?

• Are we willing to earn trust through actions, not words?

TL;DR: Address the dog.

Remove the harm (the growling dog).

Create safety (a space where the fire won't burn you).

Earn trust (by showing up consistently).

Because trust isn't built on cupcakes. It's built on courage.